A validating and prescriptive guide on how to break the bonds that tear us down and create the ones that build us up,;from the celebrated author of We are bound to people in our romantic relationships and friendships, in our families and at work. And those bonds push and pull at us in ways that might make us feel stuck, dispensable, or unstable. Those bonds can also make us feel valued, respected, and truly loved. convenient bonds, trauma bonds, toxic bonds, forced bonds, enabling bonds, transactional bonds, and healthy bonds. One truth will always stand: The most important bond you have in your life is the one with yourself. By keeping that bond strong and healthy, you can create nourishing, soul-to-soul bonds with others.

Autorentext

Najwa Zebian

Leseprobe
Chapter 1

Closure Is a Myth: Stop Trying to Make Sense of Them

Do you really need the person who hurt you to say “I hurt you”? And “I’m sorry”? And “I feel awful that I did it”? It’s beautiful to get an apology like this, but do you need it? Do you not know how painful the pain was when you experienced it? Do you need them to tell you how painful it was and give you permission? You don’t need it. You might want it because you believe relief will come when the one who wronged you acknowledges what they put you through. But even if they do admit it and apologize, do you think that will take the pain away?

It won’t. Because you still have to heal from the pain. Acknowledgment and apology is not like a magic switch that all of a sudden heals you. You’re still going to wonder why. You’re still going to hold on to the same stories you told yourself in the past, because you haven’t actually released the pain, the anger, or the resentment. You’re putting all the power of your healing in another person’s hands.

The one who broke you cannot heal you. You have to heal you. You can’t expect the person who broke you into pieces to pick up those pieces and say, “I’m going to put you back together.” You can’t do that. Well, you can, but why would you choose to do that? Someone who has the power to destroy you and uses that power . . . why would you trust them with rebuilding you?

You can’t have authentic relationships without being vulnerable. When you are vulnerable, you are open to injury. You are open to pain. That means you go into a relationship knowing that someone has the power to destroy you, but you trust that they won’t. You gave someone that power. They used that power. Why would you now say, “I’m going to give you that power again so that you can fix what you broke”? Stop doing that to yourself. It is a type of self-abandonment—you’re waiting for someone to come save you. You’re waiting for the one who left you behind to come take you back from the place where they abandoned you. You’re telling someone, “Do whatever. Treat me however. Just welcome me into your life. See me as worthy of your apology, your regret.”

Healing Thread

Since there is power in bringing the invisible into our conscious awareness, find a string, thread, or yarn. Make sure it’s a few inches long. Hold the string at both ends with each of your fists. One fist represents you, and the other represents the person, place, job, environment, or whatever else you are bonded to that has broken you in some way. Take a few moments to feel what it’s like to want that person at the other end to validate you or apologize to you. Now say out loud, “The one who broke me can’t heal me. I have to heal me.” Then release your end of the string. Feel the liberty and peace that brings you.

Practice physically letting go of your end of the string as many times as you need. It’s a good idea to keep the string in your pocket wherever you go and do this exercise whenever you feel stuck on wanting their involvement in your healing.

Closure comes when you recognize that you have the power to close the door on the past. You have the power to let go of your grip at your end of the bond. You have the power to stop waiting for those who broke you—friends, family, colleagues, romantic partners—to come to you and give you permission to start healing. You can stop waiting for them to believe how bad it was for you to go through the pain they caused. You stop waiting for them to believe that you have the right to feel the wounds of what they did to you. And when you choose closure, you are choosing to close the door on the past, the relationship, the hurt, and the questions. You are choosing to bolt that door shut with multiple locks and throwing all the keys away. There is no going back to the rooms that broke you. There is only walking away from them.

Healing Thread

In moments of doubt, repeat to yourself:

It did happen.

It was that bad.

I didn’t deserve it.

I have the right to be hurt.

And when they make you feel like you’re the villain for drawing a boundary or severing the bond with them, repeat to yourself: Don’t blame me for the line I had to draw with the blood your knife left on my back.

Weave your own healing thread. It’s time for you to write down a healing strategy, reminder, or reflection that works for you.