Family fun takes center stage in three-time Newbery Honor winner Gary Paulsen's hilarious novel for middle-school boys. Kevin Spencer is the glue that holds his family together. When his wacky relatives decide to have a double wedding in the backyard, Kevin takes charge. Planning two weddings is a great way to impress his girlfriend, Tina Zabinski, the Most Beautiful and Best-Smelling Girl in the World. But as more and more relatives come to stay, things spiral out of control. Tying the knot has Kevin tied up in knots in this laugh-out-loud story. "When it comes to telling funny stories about boys, no one surpasses Paulsen."-Booklist "[Paulsen is] one of the best-loved writers alive."-The New York Times Praise for Family Ties "Kevin seems to truly have his heart in the right place as he tries to bring order to the disparate parts [of his family] and restore some missing familial affection."-Kirkus Reviews "The Spencers may not be a conventionally perfect family, but by the end of the novel it is clear that, despite their oddball antics, they are a loving one. Fans of the series and new readers will enjoy this offering."-School Library Journal "[A] goofy, rollicking ride."-The Bulletin of the Center for Children's Books

Leseprobe
1
The Normal Family Encourages Each Member to Make Big Plans for the Future
I’m the happiest guy alive. Because Katrina M. Zabinski is my girlfriend.
I’m also the most miserable guy who ever lived, because the pressure of having a girlfriend like Tina is crushing.
See, Tina’s not just any girl; she’s the universe’s most astonishing specimen of female sublimity. She has hair that sparkles and skin that glows and blue-green eyes that twinkle. Glinda the Good Witch and her bubble look dull compared to Tina.
One thing I’ve noticed about the whole boyfriend-and-girlfriend thing is that there is a lot of breaking up.
But not me and Tina. No way.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see which one of us got the better deal here, and it wasn’t her. When you’re lucky enough to have found and then caught a girl like Tina, you worry. How do you make sure you’re not going to lose her? Ever?
So far, Tina and I have had two dates, and they were both accidental. The first was when we ran into each other at a neighbor’s party, and the second happened when she came by my house after I ran for class president. She helped me make good on some of my brilliant ideas.
Dates like that weren’t going to show her that I’m a happily-ever-after, forever-and-ever kind of guy. Not just a middle school boyfriend, but a family man.
Go big or go home, I always say.
Other guys might be content with knowing their girlfriend is a lock until the next big party or school dance. Not me.
So I had to plan the Perfect Official First Date and figure out how to show Tina that she’d already met her lifelong significant other: Kevin Lucas Spencer.
I got my first clue on how to start before first period Friday, when I noticed she was upset. Her forehead was scrunched and she was having an intense whispered conversation with her best friend, Connie.
“And then I told him he was a terrible brother and that I was going to tell Mom what he called me!” The anguish in Tina’s voice ripped at my heart.
Connie said something, but I didn’t listen; I was waiting for it to be Tina’s turn to talk again.
“You think?” Tina looked doubtful, which, on her, is adorable. “I mean, it would be nice if he said sorry first, but maybe trying to make things better is the right thing to do. My folks say we should be there for each other, no matter what.”
The ideal girl--smoking hot and a great sister.
The bell rang, so I sat back to figure out how to use this information to my advantage.
Clearly, Tina values family. So do I. I figured if I could show her how much we had in common in that area, she’d have to see how indisputably Made for Each Other we were.
I knew I might have to fake my part a little bit. My family argues with each other all the time and no one ever rushes to apologize.
I was so caught up in thinking about getting Tina to see me as her future husband without freaking her out--we’re only fourteen, and not everyone is willing to make a lifetime commitment at our age like I am--that I hardly heard a word of class. I looked like I was taking notes, but I was really making a word search puzzle around Tina’s and my names and words like truelove and neverbreakingup and Deacon, which is what I hope she’ll agree to name our first dog.
As always, I died a little inside when Tina said goodbye at the end of class. I’d counted the minutes until our schedules would cross again (141). Facing that long a separation bummed me out, but I took a deep breath and headed to social studies, which I like.
Mr. Crosby started talking the second the bell rang.
“After the, uh, unexpected developments during the recent student body president campaign, it’s clear that we should revisit the workings of the American political process.
“We are a nation claiming to believe in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for all.” Crosby was trying to make eye contact with everyone. He acts like a spot check from the superintendent might happen at any time and he wants his classes to be caught in the middle of a learning miracle.
“And yet it is sometimes difficult to remain aware of our responsibility to listen to and learn from those who don’t share our exact ideology.”
That’s what he said, but what I wrote in my notes was People don’t pay attention to people they disagree with. Summarizing is one of my academic strengths.
“When we perceive our fellow citizens as strangers rather than allies, we lose all sense of community and shared vision. We have a responsibility that we must exercise on behalf of our national, if not our global, human family.”
Family. I leaned back and smiled.
“A family is, of course, a miniature replica of society itself. So that’s why, next week”--Crosby rubbed his hands together like he couldn’t wait for Monday to arrive--“we’re going to break up into family units in class and work on problem solving vis-a-vis close familial relationships and situations. This will help you to become more politically sensitive.”
Crosby had us read a chapter in our textbooks about, I don’t know, support and compromise, for the remainder of the period. I skimmed the section and spent the rest of my time pondering: Should I take guitar lessons or a painting class? Which one would Tina want to do with me? Thinking about what’s best for our relationship takes a lot of work, let me tell you.
At lunch, I sailed into the cafeteria ready for a sloppy joe and a pudding cup, starving from all the thinking and planning and lovelorn stuff.
I stopped. I smelled Tina.
She has . . . an aura that surrounds her. I think it’s shampoo combined with her inner goodness. As soon as I catch my first whiff, my nose turns in its direction. My feet don’t always get the message and, as usual, I walked into the doorframe before I could stop myself. I bounced off, and as soon as my vision cleared I found myself facing Tina, who was talking to Katie Knowles and Milania Zeman. Katie was our student body president, and Milania was our Top Girl Jock.
“I’ve been looking for you two all morning,” Tina said to them, but smiled at me, pretending, as usual, that she hadn’t seen me make an idiot of myself. That smile makes me wish I could slay a dragon or lift an FV623 Stalwart amphibious 6×6 five-ton artillery supply vehicle with my ba…