Did you suddenly wake up and realize you are old? How did this happen? Where did all your youthful health, energy, and beauty go? And what can you do to recapture it and revitalize your life? Nothing. You're old.

From the New York Times best-selling authors of You Are Worthless and Just Give Up comes an even less inspiring book for those past their prime. One of Scott Dikker's most hilarious creations, Dr. Oswalt T. Pratt is a sad and seriously inept marriage and family counselor barely holding on to his rapidly retreating 40s. And he's out of shape, too. So he knows the pain of growing old. In You Are Old, he offers steaming buckets of wisdom crafted especially for those wracked with memory loss and other aged infirmities.

• Dating after 40: good luck with that.

• Ear hair: how did you get so much of it?

• You're past your prime. Your best days are behind you. You're over the hill. Your body doesn't bounce back like it used to. It's starting to hurt a lot. Your back hurts, your neck hurts. Your knees hurt. You're arthritic. You have rheumatoid arthritis, chronic pain syndrome, Bursitis, shingles, hives, cataracts and ringworm. You're starting to sag, wrinkle, dry out and develop spots.

• It's your choice: learn to navigate our serpentine, Rube Goldbergian healthcare system, or just give up and die.

• Today is the first day of the end of your life.

  Autorentext

  Cartoonist, filmmaker, and founder and former editor-in-chief of The Onion, Scott Dikkers has written or co-written several New York Times best-sellers including Our Dumb World and The Onion's Our Dumb Century, which has sold more than a half-million copies and was awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor. His other books include The Onion's Finest News Reporting and the self-help parody You Are Worthless, and the "unauthorized autobiography" of George W. Bush, Destined for Destiny. Online: dikkers.com