Ask a Ninja Presents The Ninja Handbook

DEADLY NINJA WISDOM FOR THE NON-NINJA Carefully consider the joy of your soft-headed ignorance before you begin to run, flip, and jump along the Ninja Path. After much debate and in a spirit of morbid amusement, the International Order of Ninjas has chosen to produce Most non-ninjas who handle these delicate, deadly pages will die-probably in an elaborately horrific and painful manner. But whether your journey lasts five seconds or five days or (rather inconceivably) five years, all those who bravely take up this text and follow the tenets and trials laid out within will die knowing they were as ninja as they possibly could've been. For the true of heart or the extremely lucky, this powerful and honorable manuscript contains such phenomenal ninja wisdom as: -How to create and name your very own lethal ninja clan -The proper weapon to use when fighting a vampire pumpkin -Why clowns and robots are so dangerous on the Internet -Easy-to-follow charts showing when to slice and when to stab -How to execute such ultradeadly kicks as the Driving Miss Daisy -Why pretty much every ninja movie ever made sucks -How to make a shoggoth explode using well-placed foliage -What the heck a shoggoth is and why you'll need to make it explode -Death Aide certification -And much more ninjafied enlightenment on every shuriken-sharp page! Remember: People do not take the Path, the Path takes people.

Auteur
Text painfully transcribed by DOUGLAS SARINE and KENT NICHOLS, the award-winning
creators of the online series Ask A Ninja.

Texte du rabat

DEADLY NINJA WISDOM FOR THE NON-NINJA

Carefully consider the joy of your soft-headed ignorance before you begin to run, flip, and jump along the Ninja Path.

After much debate and in a spirit of morbid amusement, the International Order of Ninjas has chosen to produce The Ninja Handbook, the first-ever secret ninja training guide specifically designed for the non-ninja.
Most non-ninjas who handle these delicate, deadly pages will die-probably in an elaborately horrific and painful manner. But whether your journey lasts five seconds or five days or (rather inconceivably) five years, all those who bravely take up this text and follow the tenets and trials laid out within will die knowing they were as ninja as they possibly could've been.

For the true of heart or the extremely lucky, this powerful and honorable manuscript contains such phenomenal ninja wisdom as:

•How to create and name your very own lethal ninja clan
•The proper weapon to use when fighting a vampire pumpkin
•Why clowns and robots are so dangerous on the Internet
•Easy-to-follow charts showing when to slice and when to stab
•How to execute such ultradeadly kicks as the Driving Miss Daisy
•Why pretty much every ninja movie ever made sucks
•How to make a shoggoth explode using well-placed foliage
•What the heck a shoggoth is and why you'll need to make it explode
•Death Aide certification
•And much more ninjafied enlightenment on every shuriken-sharp page!

Remember: People do not take the Path, the Path takes people.

Échantillon de lecture
Chapter 1

The Ninja

The Best Humanity Has to Offer

The Killing Begins

Who the heck do you think you are? Seriously. Do you have any idea what it's like to be a ninja? Unless you're a ninja the answer is no. Got it?

Welcome to the International Order of Ninjas, a tradition of death.

Right now, unless you are rereading this book for nostalgia, you are a non--ninja with great aspirations toward all things ninja. You are excited about diving in and attacking the path of the ninja with the vigor of the untrustworthy crion.* Depending on how long you remain living or livingish, you will gradually work your way from nothing to nonja, ninjaish, ninjalike, Whoooooooo, and finally I.T.A.N. (Is That a Ninja), the highest level of ninjaness any non--ninja can hope to achieve. Should you reach the exalted status of I.T.A.N. and wish to progress further, the skills and general knowledge contained later in the book can be used in your attempt to become a fully authorized, I.O.N.--endorsed, full--time ninja.

But, as they say, let's not count our dragon eggs before they poison our crion soup.

Along your path, you will run and jump and dive out of the way. You will test parts of your person that you do not yet know are parts of your person.

Ever heard of your "huh"?

Exactly.

You have one, and very soon you will be using it like crazy, unless you want your nickname to be Ol' Splatter Guts.

As you move along the ninja path, this book will act not only as a guide, but also as a friend.._._a very very dangerous friend that you would never turn your back on.

THE NINJA PATH promises great pain beyond your current conceivable definition. You will study your will up close and learn how threshold is a sliding scale of sanity.

THE NINJA PATH promises skills and the masters to help you master those skills. Skills that if you do not master will most likely lead to a maimed or dead you. Masters who if you do not master the skills they teach will most likely maim or dead you.

THE NINJA PATH promises chance. If we go any further into this at this time, it would negate the very nature of the chance the ninja path promises.

THE NINJA PATH promises death. We were gonna say near--certain death, but why sugarcoat it. Knowing that death is imminent will constantly keep you on your toes. Toes that may very well bring upon the very death you are promised. A promise you will never call us on keeping unless you are an idiot, in which case we'll hop on that promise like ineffectual environmentalism on suburbia.

THE NINJA PATH promises experiences. Some that will cause even your knees to crack open and vomit. Some that you will wish you could give back or grow back. Some that you actually can give back, grow back, or at least swap with an akuma* in the altered state of beans.

While pursuing the ninja path, it is good to keep in mind a bit of advice, advice that we ninjas like to call serious threats:

If you blibber--blab about your enlightenment and techniques, we will kill you.

If you participate in a major motion picture in which the secrets of the ninja are explained and demonstrated within a wacky plot that involves a distant father and a child with extremely dated hair, we will kill you.

If you dress up like a ninja every day and/or start an online show where you dole out "ninja answers," we will kill you and/or syndicate you.

Remember, but never speak, the words of the nameless ninja from www.askaninja.com, "Ninjas don't kill people.._._ninjas kill people very very well."

For your journey, this book will be your guide. We suggest fashioning some sort of clip device to keep this book in front of you at all times. You will absolutely never know when you are going to need its wisdom. Aside from this book, you may want to start a den of ninjiquity that includes other ninjaphiles and wannabes. These should be people that you don't mind hanging out with a lot, but that you also -wouldn't feel bad leaving inside a giant radioactive turkey if things happened to go that way.

Let's put the best possible face on it and call the path of the ninja an adventure. Are you ready for the adventure? If you answered yes, you are a fool who only momentarily has his/her head attached to his/ her body. If you answered no, you are a pathetic and weak creature ambling along toward the cannon's mouth of ignorance whose highest aspiration should be one day consuming some

animal--shaped crackers.

If you did not answer and in fact are not even reading this because you have already turned the page, you have a minuscule chance at becoming a ninja.

Let's begin!

Ninjaing, like most things in life and death, is mor…